The Holidays are over and a new year has begun. Before New Years my last scan had been at the beginning of November and it looked good, setting me on a schedule through the Holidays with treatment as normal. Since my body cooperated too and my blood counts remained stable it allowed me to be on a Chemo 5 days on, 9 days off schedule all the way through New Years. I am very grateful for the stability and we had a wonderful Thanksgiving and Christmas. I was feeling a little more emotional around Christmas. We picked a weekend to put up decorations and Saturday was so fun we were singing and dancing and then Sunday finishing up a few things it all hit me and I broke down. I went to the bedroom and cried. Now, I am talking hard core sobbing, I was just so sad and scared at the realization this could be my last Christmas. I couldn't help but wonder if Grayson will remember, like I always do. That is always where my mind goes and it just makes my heart ache. Sometimes I lose the strength and just have to cry. I am lucky enough to have a husband that will hold me and a sweet little boy that brought me one of his stuffed animals to cuddle because I was sad. Of course the sweetness made me cry harder for a moment but I am so thankful for them. The tears of course dried and we carried on. I was able to enjoy the moments and be grateful to have them. I realized that the Cancer has taught me not to imagine a perfect way for things to be because there is always disappointment when that doesn't work out. This year my dad caught the flu and we had to change plans and reschedule the Christmas celebration with my family. I think previously I would have been upset thinking how I want my potential last Christmas to be perfect, but it didn't bother me. I understand now that things can be perfect however they end up. I still got to spend time with my family and that was the important thing. Cancer is awful and I hate it, but I am learning lessons, so that is something. I am not sure I was as excited about the New Year as I have been in the past. It is always a good time to think about starting fresh but for me, 2020 was coming and I was still going to have Cancer. My fight didn't end, it continues but at least I felt like I had the right mindset to take it on. This past Tuesday January 7th I had my first scan of the year. Definitely nervous like always but I just really wanted the start the New Year on a good note. Unfortunately I wasn't that lucky. There was a new area of concern. The location is next to where the excised tumor was so it would appear that a piece of that tumor got away from us. The doctor stated it is a set-back. Now, there is a 25% chance that what we are seeing is just scarring or damage from my radiation treatment. This would be the time that shows up, but it could also be tumor growth. He spoke with the Neurosurgeon and together they decided to hold chemo for 2 weeks and take another MRI to see if things change or something has grown. If there are changes in the area of concern we will meet with the surgeon the following day to determine if that is the next step. It was not the news we hoped to hear. It is scary because now the location is around my motor function. I tried so hard to hold it together at the appointment. He was patiently explaining everything and comforting me by saying we will figure out a plan, but as soon as he pushed the
Kleenex box towards me the tears started flowing. I am well aware that this is news that I am there to potentially hear, so I don't know if it is the shock of the actual words that got me or what, but that day was very tough. Now I sit in limbo for 2 weeks because everything depends on what they see on January 22nd. What makes me feel the most sad is the realization that this is now my life. This is how it is going to go until I die. I have let 9 months pass since this diagnosis and I don't know that I have made the most of it. I do know that right now I am going to hug Grayson a little tighter, kiss Matthew a little longer and pray and hope and cross my fingers that I will be given a little more time.