8 Weeks had passed so it was time for an MRI scan today. Unfortunately the outcome was not news we wanted to hear. The tumor is growing. So much that another type of intervention is needed. The news felt like a punch to the gut, and my eyes instantly welled with tears. It is something I knew could happen, but I just really didn't want to hear it now. They believe the delay in my chemo was to blame when my blood counts were low. The doctor was nice and reiterated to me there was nothing I could have done to change that, i just unfortunately have "sensitive" bone marrow. But, all it took was that 3 week delay for things to drastically change and become worrisome. Of course my life isn't ending tomorrow or anything but when your potential mortality is shoved in your face it is a tough pill to swallow. When they say this is an aggressive form of cancer they mean it!
Now, in the words of my doctor "this is not devastating news, but it's not good news." Bright side is that there are options. Potentials are surgery, more radiation, or limited time frame chemo. The decision hasn't been made yet. My doctor said "give me a day". He is going to meet with the surgeon and radiation oncologist to figure out the best plan. Surgery is risky because of an artery and potential for stroke and the tumor is moving into the motor function area. I wasn't aware radiation was an option again yet but it is in the mix. They also may have me do one more month of chemo and see how I respond, since it was a positive response in the past. I should find out tomorrow what the best plan of attack is, but today...today was tough. I basically cried all the way home. Even though I was told it wasn't devastating news it is hard for it not to feel that way. I felt the reality that I think this Cancer is going to take me sooner than I thought, and then I think of Grayson and the tears just wouldn't stop. I took the afternoon to feel sad and upset and process the information. Once Grayson got home the 3 of us played baseball in the yard and I was proud that I didn't think of all that I would be missing someday, I was enjoying every second of the giggles and excitement. I am finally getting better at living in the moment, because I know those moments are all that I have. No specific length of future is guaranteed.
I knew that this was going to be a battle, I was just hoping it would be a very long battle. I am still praying it will be. My tears are drying this evening and I believe I will wake up tomorrow feeling stronger. I've still got this! I just took a little dip today on that emotional roller coaster, but once I know the plan I will be ready to fight harder than ever.
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